And The Cycle Continues..

So yeaaaah, I dont know what to do with myself. What do people want from me? I know what I want but asking for such simple things, no one ever take the time to listen. Sigh. I'm so TIREDD. The last couple days, no good night rests + not being able to eat much? I feel like passing out.. Almost did in gym class today. But i caught myself and started to move around so I wouldnt knock out.

GRR. I was so pissed off and sad today after school. The more I try to be close to others, the lonelier I feel. HONESTLY. What to do, what to do..

This rainbow represents my happiness;
fully visible and then slowly disappearing.

But yeaah. I spent 2.5hrs in the cold, on/off rain jogging today. I didnt even feel tired. When I was done, I walked around Van Asselt. That place used to be the site of many great memories I've had and only place I can have to myself. But going through it, I felt the sharpest pain in my chest. Out of no where, I broke down crying.

I tried to collect myself at VA park, but sitting on the swings and looking around made me even sadder. I also saw Kim today. He was with her. She's.. a BAAAD choice. But i cant tell him what to do. I knew from before that he had a thing with her before we broke up. Now it came to air. But I cant be noisy and listen to what others tell me. So do your thaang. I can still say I miss you from time to time since youve been a major impact on my life. But you seem happier now. So I'm not gonna say nothing. I only wished we couldve said goodbye differently and that be happy with her. Sorry I couldnt give you what you wanted.

Either way, I felt even worst after Michael texted me. It's like he's in a place where I could never reach out to. I understand him when he's talking about how he feels but the way I word it, it doesnt seem right to him. No matter what I do, I dont think I'm of use to him in anyways. I really do feel dumb and I'm pissed off that I annoy the shit out of him all the time. But he also needs to see it from my perspective too. I may not have gone through what he has, but everyone has their share of secrets. He's lonely, but so am I. He says that I have friends, well so does he. Thing is, my friends are all so INNOCENT. What do they get? His friends, I'm sure if he opens up, can really be there for him and relate. I've struggled my whole life to learn things by myself and be independent. I have to fake alot of smiles just to get through the day. I'm reaaaally tired of doing that. That's why I cried even more when he doesnt understand and always wants me to see it from his perspective. He can ask SO MANY PEOPLE to care, he just choose not to. I would if i could. But at the end of the  day, no one's there for me.

Another thing is that he brought up the guilt of not being able to save his friends. Yes, maybe you couldve but what happened, happened. You can't change it. Even if you did saved someone, they would've eventually died a different death anyways if they really intended to die. I would know, cau ut was someone I couldnt save. No one's BLAMING you Michael.. Unlike my story. Stop burdening yourself with such thoughts. Your friend loved that one girl enough to follow her; from what you blogged about, they weren't lovers but there definitely was chemistry. To have one die without the other telling them how they felt, I dont think I would've wanted to live either. So you cant save them all.

Ugh, if only people could here my thoughts, read my hearts, look into my soul. They'll see the real me. They'll see the scared, lonely little girl I've been trying, for years, to hide. All these thoughts, along with a bunch of other burdens, I just sat out in the cold on the swing, empty after finishing crying. When I looked down to check my text afters, for some reason, a tear rolled down. I didnt even feel it coming. I guess I'm starting to feel numb to emotions. Good. Lets continue it that way. Like I said on tumblr, "MIDDLE FINGERS TO THE GALAXY" <3

OVERFLOWED With Infos.

I cant say this at all cause after gaming and being alone, my mind's all deflated and depressed. But all i can say is that I was correct. I dont deserve a chance at happiness ;____; No matter how hard or how  far I've come, the stars are still so far outta reach. Question now is, should I really be holding out still? So futile.

Eek! Before I forget it agaain..

omgitzkimm.tumblr.com // kimmkidds.livejournal.com ; Posting so that I can relive my past anytime.

First Blogg.

SO. Thaaanks to Stacy Yu, I guess I now have a bloggers account, haha. But yeaah. before I went through all the trouble of creating one, I was reading online some stuff I wish I hadn't. My curiosity got the best of me. Since I read it, I feel like everything I've been told was a lie and what I've been doing has been futile. I reaaaally dont know how to handle the situation since I'm so unsure, like always.. But either way, as 'strong and energetic' as I front, I'm too cowardly to actually say the what's bothering me. And the facade continues.

With that being said, creating a blog site brings back memories. I have a livejournal/tumblr and rereading it brings back SO MUCH memories. It makes me saad, haha ;___; But another interesting point came up. I never talk about friends much. Makes me feel lonely. Haha, but! Stacy Yu makes me feel like I finally have a girlfriend again since.. Elementary, haha. Don't get me wrong, I have girls I trust and love to hang with such as Katie Le, Gina Sok and Eva Li, but Stacy Yu actually GAME and is BOSS at it, HAHA XD Its cause shes her that I feel like not every girl is either a backstabbing whore, twotiming bitch or an innocent ditz, haha. I wish I could find that one BEST FRIEND I can come clean with and share the same interests in with, even though she's a girl. I want that best friend that they portray in the movies; a bond so strong, it lasts till death. Haha, either way, I'm still searching for someone that can make me look back at my past and smile, knowing that I dont need to wish to go back because I got all I need in the present.

I'm so tiredd at the moment. Imma edit my page tomorrow and probably start venting here, haha. It'd be a secret tells all so that I can look back one day and know what happened!